i already hear my dad disowning me
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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