apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
