ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Holy sore nipples Batman
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
