I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
