My cat gives me a boner
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
