you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
