i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
