trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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