You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
