dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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