i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
