the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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