If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
