my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
