white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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