i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
