I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Also, beer. Big fan.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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