First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize