life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
