Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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