Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
