Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
