while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
