Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
