i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
