do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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