Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
