Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
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