apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Randomize
