Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
