You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
