i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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