I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
