At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
