i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
