Got a toothbrush?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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