Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
