Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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