then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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