I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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