This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Someone shattered a urinal.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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