You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
