every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
