sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
