The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
