my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
