I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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