how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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