I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
