she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
