Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize