Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
