I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
