so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
