eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
