I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
