my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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