He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
