I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
