if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
