So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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